Never Split the Difference: for Software Engineers

Why this matters for engineers, we negotiate more than you think. Salary conversations, scope discussions, pushing back on unrealistic deadlines, convincing your team to adopt a tool, getting buy-in for a refactor, code review disagreements. Most engineers default to logic and data when trying to win these, but people don't make decisions that way. This book is the cheat sheet for the other 90% of the job.

Title: Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

Authors: By Chris Voss with Tahl Raz (2016)

Summary

People act emotionally and irrationally, so stop trying to logic them into agreement. Listen more than you talk. The listener controls the conversation because they can direct it toward their own goals.

Core techniques: mirror their words to build trust, label their emotions ("it seems like you...") to defuse them, and ask calibrated "what" and "how" questions to give them the illusion of control while you steer.

Ask questions that get a "no" answer early, it makes people feel safe and in control. For example, "Is now a bad time to talk?" instead of "Do you have a few minutes to talk?". Never split the difference, use time pressure and fairness as leverage instead.

"That's right" means you've got them, "you're right" means they want to change subject.

When it gets to numbers: anchor extreme, use the Ackerman plan (start at 65%, increment in smaller amounts, use odd numbers, throw in non-monetary items at the end). So if you want to buy something listed at $100 and your target is $80, open at $52, then go to $68, $74, $78.75. The odd final number makes it sound like you've calculated to your absolute limit. Then throw in something non-monetary ("I can also handle the logistics") to signal there's nothing left.

Always be looking for black swans, the unknown unknowns that change everything. Stay flexible, negotiate in person when you can, and pay attention to what people reveal when their guard is down.

1. The new rules

Kahneman's Thinking, Fast and Slow framework applies here. System one is about feelings/animal/emotional thinking, and is fast. It has great influence over the logical mind. System two is logic and slow.

When individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully, and to openly evaluate & clarify their own thoughts & feelings. They tend to become less defensive & less oppositional, and more willing to listen to other points of view.

Tactical empathy is like listening as a martial art. Balancing the subtle behaviours of emotional intelligence and the assertive skills of influence. Listening is not a passive activity.

Negotiation is communication with results. Effective negotiation is applied people smarts.

Find "the negotiation one sheet" in appendix.

2. Be a mirror

Assumptions blind, hypotheses guide. Don't be too smart & think you don't have anything new to discover.

Listen to others completely and very carefully. Don't think about what you're going to say while listening. Slow it down. If we're in too much of a hurry people can feel as if they're not being heard and we risk undermining the rapport & trust we have built.

Tone of voice & demeanour is important. Try mirroring the last 1-3 words the other person said.

How to confront and get your way without confrontation:

1. Use calm soothing voice
2. Start with, "I'm sorry"
3. Mirror
4. Silence, at least four seconds
5. Repeat

3. Don't feel their pain, label it

Acknowledge the other person's fears or what they are stressed about, eg. "it seems like you..." Show empathy & convey that you are listening.

Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Label your counterpart's fears to defuse their power.

4. Beware "yes", master "no"

No is the start of the negotiation, not the end of it. There are three kinds of yes: counterfeit, confirmation, and commitment.

Everyone is driven by two primal urges, the need to feel safe/secure & the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives you're in the door. You're not going to logically convince people they're safe/secure and in control. Early "no" helps make people feel safe/secure & in control.

Don't say "do you have a few minutes to talk", instead say "Is now a bad time to talk". Being pushed for yes makes people defensive. "No" sometimes means "wait" or "I'm not comfortable with that".

5. Trigger the two words that immediately transform any negotiation

Instead of "yes" look for "that's right". "That's right" is great, "you're right" is horrible because it's often more like "I guess that's true in theory, now let's change subject".

Use a summary to trigger a "that's right". The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing: identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm the world according to your counterpart.

6. Bend their reality

Prospect theory. People are drawn to sure things over probabilities, which is called the certainty effect. People will take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains, that's called loss aversion.

Prospect theory tactics:

1. Anchor their emotions. Acknowledge their fears by anchoring their emotions in preparation for a loss. You inflame their loss aversion so they jump at the chance to avoid it.
2. Let the other person go first most of the time. Especially with monetary negotiations. Anchor & adjustment effect.
3. Establish a range. Give example of similar scenarios, eg. industry standard is 130k to 160k.
4. Pivot to non-monetary terms.
5. When you do talk numbers, use odd ones. Specific numbers sound more calculated.
6. Surprise with a gift.

For job interviews: "What does it take to be successful here?"

7. Create illusion of control

Failures plant the seeds of future success. It's best to start with calibrated "what" and "how" questions:

• How does this look to you?
• What about this works for you?
• What about this doesn't work for you?
• "What caused you to do that?" is better than "Why would you do that?"
• What is the biggest challenge you face?
• What about this is important to you?
• How can I help to make this better for us?
• How would you like me to proceed?
• How can we solve this problem?
• What's the objective, what are we trying to accomplish here?
• How am I supposed to do that?

The listener has control of the conversation because the listener can direct the conversation to their own goals. Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right.

Avoid questions that can be answered with yes or tiny bits of information. These require little thought & inspire the human need for reciprocity, you'll be expected to give something back.

Don't ask questions that start with "why" unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. Why is always an accusation in any language.

When verbally attacked, do not counter attack. Instead ask a calibrated question. Bite your tongue, avoid knee jerk passionate reactions. Pause, think, let passion dissipate, which allows you to collect your thoughts & avoid saying too much.

8. Guarantee execution

Yes is nothing without how. Asking how, knowing how, and defining how are all part of the effective negotiator's arsenal.

Ask calibrated how questions and ask them again & again. Asking how keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering those questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands.

Use how questions to shape the negotiating environment. Say "how can I do that" as a gentle version of no. That will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions... your solution, and very often get them to bid against themselves.

Don't just pay attention to the people directly, always identify the motivations of the players behind the table. Ask how the deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are.

Follow the 7/38/55% rule by paying close attention to the tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words & non-verbal signs will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with the deal.

Is the yes real or counterfeit? Test it with the rule of three. Use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It's really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction.

Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side. Humour & humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove road blocks.

9. Bargain hard

Identify your counterpart's negotiation style: accommodator, analyst, or assertive.

Prepare, prepare, prepare. Lead with an extreme anchor (eg. 65% of bottom line). The counterpart is not the enemy nor the problem, the situation is.

Ackerman plan:

1. Set your goal, then first offer at 2/3 point
2. Calculate three smaller increments
3. Use lots of empathy and different "no" strategies to counter, before you increase your offer
4. Use non-round numbers in your final offer
5. After final number, throw in nonmonetary items

10. Find the black swan

A black swan is anything you don't know that changes things, the unknown unknowns. Things never imagined do come to pass.

It's not how well you speak, it's how well you listen that determines your success. Understanding the other is a precondition to be able to speak persuasively & develop options that resonate for them. Respect gives you attention & results. Express passion for your counterpart's goals, and for their ability to achieve them.

Reasons why a counterpart may appear irrational: they're ill informed, they're constrained, or they're obeying interests that you do not yet know.

The adversary is the situation & the person you appear to be in conflict with is actually your partner. Let what you know (your known knowns) guide you, not blind you. Every case is new, so remain flexible & adaptable.

Three types of leverage:

1. Positive, give them what they want
2. Negative, ability to hurt someone (use with caution)
3. Normative, using your counterpart's norms to bring them around